A 4-Step Process for Changing the Patterns that Hold You Back (Gabby Bernstein)

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Gabby Bernstein is a spiritual teacher and a #1 New York Times bestselling author. I am obsessed with her new book, which is called Self-Help: This is Your Chance to Change Your Life. In it, Gabby shares what she's learned from the work that she’s done with Richard Schwartz, who founded the therapy model known as Internal Family Systems, or IFS. Which Gabby will explain near the beginning of our conversation.

But I’ll just say now, although many of you already know this—I love IFS and Dick Schwartz. He’s been on Pulling the Thread before, here his episode “Recovering Every Part of Ourselves.”

Dick wrote the foreword to Gabby's book, but what I appreciate about Gabby's book is that it is not trying to replace professional therapy in any way. As the title suggests, it's really about sharing a practice that's safe and effective to do on your own. And that's Gabby's four-step check-in process that she's used to transform the patterns that have held her back. It's an incredible tool, and today, Gabby is going to walk us through it.

After we wrap up, I share a little more from Dick Schwartz himself on IFS and our protector parts.

MORE ON IFS:

Dick Schwartz on Pulling the Thread: “Recovering Every Part of Ourselves”

Therapy Modality: Internal Family Systems

No Bad Parts, by Dick Schwartz

Greater Than the Sum of Our Parts, by Dick Schwartz

MORE FROM GABBY BERNSTEIN:

Join Gabby on her Change Your Life Tour in New York, L.A., San Francisco or Boston

Self-Help: This is Your Chance to Change Your Life

The Universe Has Your Back: Transform Fear to Faith

Happy Days: The Guided Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Peace

Super Attractor: Methods for Manifesting a Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams

Gabby’s Podcast: “Dear Gabby”

Follow Gabby on Instagram

Gabby’s Website

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

ELISE:

I, like you, am an IFS fan and a Richard Schwartz. Stan. I just learned this word, what's the word? And Stan like super fan. I think it's now passe, but I have a tween.

GABBY:

I got to learn the lingo. I got to learn.

ELISE:

You don't.

GABBY:

I got to learn when my kid told me I was sus, I was like, whoa. My 6-year-old told me,

ELISE:

Sus, does he call you bra?

GABBY:

Oh yeah, bra.

ELISE:

Oh yeah, bra, yeah. What? That's fun. And then I started calling him bra. Does he enjoy that? What do we call each other?

GABBY:

Bra? It's like go to bed, bro.

ELISE:

It takes all kinds. I am excited that they continue to reinvent language. Why not? We need to give some words some new life. Everyone needs to own something and contribute something to culture. Gabby, isn't that what this all is about?

GABBY:

The generational lexicon that we will welcome in.

ELISE:

Oh my god. All right. So yes, I love Dick Schwartz. And so when you told me about this book, I was thrilled because it is one of those, I feel like it exists on the edges of people who are deeply educated in psychological schools, but it is not as big as it should be. So thank you for your service.

GABBY:

I think that's an interesting point. I think that's something actually that Dick has felt too is this call and this pull, particularly at this stage in his life, to really democratize his work and really make sure that people know about it. And I think myself among others are helping support that mission in different ways. And for me it was definitely with this book. Definitely.

ELISE:

Yeah. Well it's interesting talking to, for example, Gabor Maté who I've interviewed over the years and a lot of people knew who he was, but he wasn't at all famous in the way that he has become quite famous. And there was something about the timing of The Myth of Normal that just tapped into the energy of the collective. And I feel like Dick Schwartz, and hopefully your book and his book, No Bad Parts, I love his Audible original too, but that those will become sort of Bessel van der Kolk- like cult hits that just start moving in the collective. And we suddenly are now a very trauma maybe too trauma literate in some ways culture, but it took a while. I think you're going to help really push it ever more into the mainstream. And I think that that's a wonderful service because it's incredible work and I love how you've democratized it too, through bringing it into this book in a way that is safe and self serving and leaving the exiles to the professionals therapist. That's right. Leaving it so you can do that work with someone who can contain that for you or help you. So alright, so let's start, and for people who are completely uninitiated, what are parts?

GABBY:

So this book, Self-Help that I've written is actually a self-help practice based on a therapy called Internal Family Systems Therapy, which we've been talking about that's founded by Dr. Richard Schwartz. And the therapy is based on the principles that we have many sub personalities inside of us that we're not one mono person, but we have many parts of who we are. And many of us in our own ways probably said things like, a part of me becomes outraged when my husband says that one thing or a part of me is really controlling at work. Or we might do something and walk away from it and say, I don't know what just happened, something came over me. Or we're aware of beliefs or feelings or patterns that are somewhat destructive or extreme in our life and we just don't know how to fix them or heal them. And these patterns, behaviors, beliefs about ourselves are actually parts of who we are and these parts of who we are, while they may seem at times extreme or undesirable, are actually fulfilling a really important role in our internal system and they're trying to protect us.

So when we act out in extreme ways, it's a form of protection, it's a protection mechanism. When we go to addictive patterns, it's a protection mechanism. When we shut down, when we people please, when we are perfectionists, when we control, we're protecting ourselves. And so these aspects of ourself in IFS are called protector parts. And who are these protector parts protecting? Well, first of all, if you ask these protector parts of yourself, how long have you been around? They're going to be like, I've been here forever. If you ask the addicted part of yourself, how long have you been around? I'd be like, since I was five. Or if you ask the people, please or part of you, how long have you been around? I'd be like, for as long as I can remember. And these are protection mechanisms that have been put in place at a very young age to protect against very young impermissible experiences and feelings that we experienced in very, very early childhood in traumatizing moments, whether it was trauma with a big T or trauma with a small T.

And so maybe we were bullied or maybe we had abuse, or maybe we had an attachment breach or we had a parent that was alcoholic or whatever those experiences were Big T or small T, they were experiences nevertheless, and they were significant in our lives. And in those moments we experienced terror, fear, feelings of being unlovable and inadequate. And those feelings were so impermissible and our little brains did not have the capacity to process them. And we did not have adult parental figures to help us process them. So very right away young ages, we built up protection mechanisms to never have to feel those feelings again. And so those little people that we're protecting are called the exiles in IFS. And they're extreme emotions that we experience, extreme feelings that we experience as very young children. And we exiled those little parts of ourselves, those little children and said, I don't ever want to feel that again.

I'm going to lock the door, put it in the basement, and I'm going to do this other protection mechanism to do whatever it takes to never have to go there again. And so from very young ages, we've been living in protection mechanism mode, a k, a protector parts. And these protector parts have developed in many different forms. We have all kinds of protector parts inside and some of them are more extreme than others and some are around us on a day-to-day basis managing our lives. And some are really extreme and they're putting out fires when we get really, really activated. So they could be anything from people pleasing to drug addiction. This is a process and a model of befriending these protection mechanisms. It's non-pathologizing, it's nurturing, it's curious, and it's a process. IFS is a process of getting into relationship with these parts of ourselves so that they can soften, so that they can feel safe inside.

And in doing so, what happens is these parts start to, like I said, soften and relax and feel more calm. And when we start to do this type of therapy, this other energy begins to emerge. We start to notice that those extreme feelings can start to dissipate a bit and the new energy emerges. And that new energy is what IFS calls self self with a capital S. And self is our undamaged, resourced, compassionate, calm, connected, creative. It's like our God nature, our Buddha nature. It's the spirit within us. It's the inspiration within us. It's the creative force within us. It's always there. There's a quote in the book from Steven Kranz. It's itself is like the sun behind the clouds. The sun is always there, but when the clouds are in front of it, you can't experience the sun. But when the clouds begin to dissipate, the sun can emerge naturally. That self energy is inside of us. And self is also like an inner parent or an inner guidance system, inner therapist. And so the process that I've created really simply put is actually not IFS. It's a four step self-help process based on the principles I just shared.

ELISE:

And so those exiled parts, those parts of us that are living in the basement that are terrified little children fragments, we tend to those of the therapist. But your process is about working with those managers or those firefighters or those protective patterns that feel out of control. Often as you were speaking, I was tapping into those moments when you're like, I don't know who I'm being right now, but I'm not particularly enjoying this, but I'm escalating a fight with my husband or I'm going after my kid about their homework. Those parts that feel out of control and that you can, I think hopefully as people are listening, they can sense into that moment when you're like, oh yeah, I know those moments when I'm witnessing myself and yet I don't totally feel like I have unquote control over myself and those protector parts. What's really beautiful too is, and you said this, there's no pathology in the system. Often those protector parts, if you can access them and calm them, you can sometimes reassign them. They often don't like this job that they've been doing for your,

GABBY:

They

ELISE:

Don't the entirety of your life. Yeah,

GABBY:

They don't. We don't. So you've ever said, oh, is this it? Or There has to be a better way, or I keep falling back into that same pattern or I'm addicted, I don't know how to overcome the addiction, or I'm forcing myself to stop, but I can't. That's a protector. And the first step is to recognize these extreme patterns and behaviors and belief systems or even less extreme, but just sort of managerial roles that we have as not bad parts of us. They're just parts of us that have been working really hard to protect us from feeling really impermissible feelings. We're not trying to go feel those feelings, those deep feelings that's for therapy. What we are trying to do is first witness those protection mechanisms almost like little children inside of us. And to be like, oh, that controlling part of me is really young.

She's been around forever and she's working so hard to just keep everything under control because she feels so out of control. Why does she feel out of control? Because when she was a kid, she was really out of control. So anything that sparks out of control, I'm speaking for my parts, anything that sparks out of control sends me into total control mode. And so witnessing those behaviors and patterns through this lens of compassion, through this lens of first and foremost, we can't just jump to compassion, but first and foremost, okay, wait, that's a protection mechanism. I can see that. And some people might not even not be able to realize that. They might not even realize that they even have these patterns or behaviors. So if you lean into this four steps that I'll teach you guys today, the first step is just to recognize is there an undesirable feeling or emotional sensation or pattern that I'd like to work on? Right? Anxiety, rage, controlling a pattern, behavior addiction. I would prefer not to have to live with the burden of this controlling energy. I'd prefer not to have to always fall back into people pleasing and just noticing is there something that's sort of up for me that I'd like to work with? And now I have the four steps to help you.

ELISE:

Yeah, let's do the four steps. And I just want to also add that sometimes it's a emotional or it's a behavioral cue that something's happening. You've mentioned addiction a few times as that firefighter, let's numb, let's rush in and make this all go away. You also write really beautifully about physical pain and John Sarno and how that's connected to parts. That's a distraction method again to draw your attention away from exiles, potentially not always. My husband gets so wild when I try and John Sarno him about his back pain, but he hasn't really had a problem since I read him that one page in the John Sarno book.

GABBY:

Yeah, and we can unpack that too, right? So what you're speaking about is that we have physical pain can also be a protector. And the work of Dr. John Sarno is all about the psychosomatic effects of emotional disturbances. So when we have impermissible rage or rooted fears and these undesirable exiles, we will create all these protection mechanisms to never have to face those exiles. And one of those production mechanisms is physical pain. So I was talking to my chief of staff today and she's like, my back is really acting out. And I was like, duh, of course it is. We're in a total breakdown meltdown of how we've been running the systems of this company and I've been melting down in my parts. My controller parts are just dismantling themselves in real time and I'm emerging from this bottoming out and you are holding all that for me. Duh. Obviously her back is here because her back doesn't want to feel the impermissible feeling of being out of control or not being able to take care of everything or whatever her parts are saying. So the physical pain actually can be a distraction. So a protection against the deeper feelings. So it could be a physical pain, it could be anxiety, could be overwhelming worry and fear. It could be a pattern like going to the refrigerator every time you get triggered. It could be controlling, it could be numbing out, dissociation. What are some of your protectors just to give folks, if you don't mind sharing, to give folks a good example.

ELISE:

Controlling, organizing, same sort of thing, but I just dive into the details compulsively. I can spend hours tracking things in Excel spreadsheets. It's not harmful necessarily to other people. It's just a really weird self-soothing control move mine more internalized, I would say. And what is another part? I have a big part. I actually worked on this with Dick Schwartz on the podcast. I'll include a link to an exile from an early childhood trauma that has a lot of fear of attention, which is ironic considering I have a podcast, I bring attention to myself. So you can imagine that part is very present. I don't really like to be seen, so I don't like that an intensity of attention, particularly from men. And I'm trying to think of the other, I don't have so many physical ailments, that's primarily my husband, but if something bad happens to me, my husband's back will go out. He recognizes this is a program, but he is just obsessed with the idea that there has to be something that is physically addressable in his back and there's not. We've walked that path. Gabby,

GABBY:

As you started to describe these protectors, it might be overwhelming for somebody to even consider that their protection mechanisms or that it's a part of them. So even just to baseline, just notice what are some patterns and maybe destructive behavior or just acting out that I do or just habitual things that I do that I don't really feel good about, I don't feel good doing. And then to first and foremost not judge these parts of us because once again, these parts are protecting us. And as Dick said, there's no bad parts. All parts are welcome. And the beauty of this process is that it's not about shunning or shaming or stopping the parts, it's about befriending them, getting into relationship with them. We can help them relax. And in doing so, that natural state of who we are, which is self, that curiosity, that calmness, that compassion, that connection, that courage, that creativity, confidence, clarity, that energy can start to come forward more naturally. What we're in protector mode, we're blocking that true essence.

ELISE:

I'm curious about how I feel like I can tap into myself or that sense of self when it's present, those feelings of flow, the lack of distance, I'd say between me, Elise watching some of these parts and seeing what they're up to versus feeling fully in my body. Is that what it feels like for you? I mean, I love the quote about the sun behind the clouds.

GABBY:

Self energy for me feels really, I love that Dick's defined it with these eight C qualities because it's calm and it's creative, clear, courageous. It's unburdened, it's not blocked, it's free, it's flow state. I can hear spirit. I can feel words come through me that I don't have to think I just speak or I can write more naturally. And I'm definitely in self in these kinds of conversations. I'm in self when I'm on stage, I'm in self when I'm writing. I'm in self after a long physical workout and I'm in the sauna, I'm in self when I'm in a free unburdened state and getting there. We can get there sometimes through creative work or we can get there through a big exercise, but the real work is to access self through the unburdening, through the relationship to these parts because the parts are the clouds. And so when we check in with the clouds, when we check in with these parts, we can let the clouds dissipate and then self just comes through. And in fact, I'd like to show people or give you the opportunity to do the steps with me if you're open to that.

ELISE:

Let's do it.

GABBY:

The listener can actually do this on themselves while we're going through it. Okay. So if you're comfortable, we can identify maybe a part that's up for you even today or just in general, is there a protector that's not so extreme, just a managing part that's a protection mechanism that's up for you right now or in general?

ELISE:

This won't surprise anyone. One of my parts that feels I've done a fair amount of work on this but is still present is that people pleasing and wanting to be liked and needing to feel like I'm palatable in order to be safe, that I'm not offending anyone, that I'm saying the right things. Again, I've been doing a lot of work on this, particularly in this cultural moment, but that part is always present very carefully watching me and what I say and making sure that it's landing. It takes a lot of energy, Gabby.

GABBY:

Right, okay. So would it be people pleasing or would it be, how would you refer to it? Would I

ELISE:

Call her hypervigilant? I would call her the ambassador.

GABBY:

Okay, cool. And just to be clear, people don't have to name their parts. I find it helpful. So I like to know that there's the controller. I know that there's the addict. I know that there's the rager. I just know that these different, because sometimes parts can be almost blended with other parts. And so you mentioned people pleasing and then you mentioned controlling and then so sort of a little bit of a mishmash. So maybe we can even just tune into a feeling today that you can maybe even notice now. And so for the listener, just identifying, so I'm going to do this with you and for the listener, identifying any feeling or sensation or habit or behavior that's up for you at this time that's kind of managing your life a bit. Okay. The first step really is to have enough awareness of what happens when you get stimulated to go into that protective role. And when you have that awareness, you know that you can start this process. So in your case, you've done so much work that you can just, it's there and you can go to it. So the first step is to choose to check in with the part. Most of the time, Elise, we choose to check out, we go to the spreadsheet or we go to the rage so that we don't have to feel the feeling.

And so the process here is to notice, okay, I'm about to go into the spreadsheet. So that's step one, choosing to check in. And that for you in this moment is getting some buy-in from this part of you? Yeah. Okay. We can check in. That's safe. So do I have that buy-in from you want to choose to check in? Yeah. And first step choosing to check in is focusing your attention inward. Moving into the second step is curiosity. And so as you tune your attention inward, and then just for the listener, Elise has closed her eyes, which is really powerful. And if you're not driving, you might want to do this, focusing your attention inward, just noticing in your somatic experience, noticing inside, where do you feel that part in your body? And Elise, you could speak it if you feel called, you can tell us.

ELISE:

How does it show up physically? This is when my throat, this part lives in my throat just burns my throat. This part is, I called it an ambassador. It's almost more like a leash holder or a dog walker a little bit. And it's this part of me that recognizes that this is what I do, speaking and being with people, and yet it's at the ready to choke me out if it feels like going to get myself into trouble. And maybe I shouldn't. Don't say that. Don't say that. It's too much. So it's definitely right in my throat.

GABBY:

First of all, thank you. That's beautifully said. Thank you to the part. Thank you you for revealing that. Now, do you know how long it's been around?

ELISE:

I feel like it's been around since I was about seven.

GABBY:

You'd ask the part that, how long have we been around?

ELISE:

Yeah, how long? Yeah, 7, 7, 8. Yeah.

GABBY:

And are there any other thoughts or feelings or sensations or images it wants to reveal to you?

ELISE:

I feel like I'm back with myself as a young kid. And we lived outside of town 20 minutes outside of town or so, and there weren't a lot of kids around. I didn't do a lot of play dates and I spent a lot of time with adults and with my parents friends who were wonderful. But my brother and I we're both very precocious kids. Gabby knows my brother. And we would have dinner at these dinner parties with all my parents' friends. And I just remember moments of holding forth and both the pride and also recognizing the sharpness of my tongue and of my opinions and oh, you can't totally say that. And so this part is like, yeah, I'm there to sort of hold you back. I

GABBY:

Think that was so beautifully described and defined. And so the listener, if you may have that specific experience, maybe not, it doesn't matter. Whatever you see, feel that image came really clearly for you and I'm grateful for that. Do you feel a little connection to the part right now?

ELISE:

Yeah, I mean I love this part.

GABBY:

I feel that if you have that connection, could you ask it? And this is a third step, ask it what it needs.

ELISE:

It needs safety. It's just really trying to keep me safe. And it's bringing up examples in my past where I've gotten in trouble for saying the thing and reminding me it's not that good at its job. No, but that I can't be controlled to its satisfaction. So it feels a little frustrated. It feels a little sad actually, that it hasn't been able to, it feels like it's maybe failed me not doing a good job. And so what does it need from you? It's saying it feels way too much responsibility. Maybe it's a different part of me that's loading it with this burden that my livelihood will evaporate if this part doesn't keep me in check and that it feels overburdened in terms of trying to make sure that doesn't happen.

GABBY:

So you said it needs to feel safe and it needs to feel less responsibility.

ELISE:

Yeah.

GABBY:

It's tired, so it needs to rest a bit. Is that what it's trying to

ELISE:

Say rest? And it's like I don't feel very effective.

GABBY:

Okay. Okay.

ELISE:

Can

GABBY:

You give it a little breath? Put your hand on that place in your chest where you feel it and just give it some breath and just give it deep belly breath, whatever feels good for you. Now in the fourth step, can you check in and notice how you feel right now?

ELISE:

I feel calm.

GABBY:

Nice.

ELISE:

Definitely compassion.

GABBY:

Nice.

ELISE:

I don't think this is a one of the C words, but just concerned. Okay.

GABBY:

Okay. That could be another part, but it also could be a real connection to the part I a little worried. Yeah. Okay.

ELISE:

Yeah.

GABBY:

Do you feel a little bit more clarity about the part?

ELISE:

Yeah.

GABBY:

And what it needs.

ELISE:

I do feel connected to it. And again, going to this idea of self, I really want to reassign it and let it stand down and recognize I can trust myself. And I certainly trust myself

GABBY:

Right here, right now. Elise, can you just be calm with it? Can you let it feel the calm?

ELISE:

Yeah,

GABBY:

Yeah. And just let it know that that calm presence is available.

ELISE:

Yeah,

GABBY:

That's perfect for right now. But that's just enough letting it know and that calm presence is here and that you can return to it when you want to. Nice. Great. We did it. We did it. And your connection to the part is so gorgeous because you have such visual connection to it. And what I want to just describe for the listener is that there's always going to be a pull to say it doesn't have to do this, it can stand down. The actual work is just to let it experience the calm. And you get to that fourth step and you notice that there's some calmness, even the slightest molecule of calmness or connection or the slightest. That's why the fourth step is to check for C qualities. And so you just check in, do I feel a little bit more calm? Do I feel a little creative energy?

Do I feel clarity, compassion towards the part, even the slightest bit is all you need to know that that process is done, the magic it's meant to do because it's about those molecules of change, those molecules of self. And it's this four steps lets you check in with this part of you offer it curiosity, which all children want, right? We're dealing with little children inside of us. So what do kids want? They want to feel seen, soothed, safe, secure. As Dan Siegel would say in that inquiry, we're getting curious, just letting the parts speak. We're seeing it ask compassionately, asking it what it needs, letting it speak up for whatever it needs, whatever it is. And then of course there's always going to be parts that are going to say, okay, so now let's fix it. Right? Or now my parts do that. My parts are like, okay, now let's get rid of and the work here.

And then in an IFS therapy session, you could go deeper and you could move other parts around and you could ask other parts to step aside for sure. But here, what we're really just trying to do is let these parts know that self is inside. And the more that we do that one minute a day, I mean I do it all day long, but one minute a day sends a very molecular moment, which is a miracle because it's a shift in your perception. It's a little moment that, okay, you know what? I didn't have to check out. I could check in. And safety was inside. And the more we add up those moments, the more access to self we have. And self is our internal parent, the resourced part of who we are. And the more we moment by moment add up that access to self, the more self-led we become, the more safe we feel because we know, you know what?

For me in this moment, I've done so much of this self-help work in IFS that I'm like, I know I am witnessing my life and I know that you can do this too. I'm witnessing my life. Some of my old patterns are just breaking down in real time and my jaw is tight and the controller's raging and she's breaking down in real time. And I can be with her and I can speak for her rather than as her. And I can go through this very funky change in my behavior and my adjustment in my life and act out one minute and then come back to self in the next. And I can go through that and I can know that no matter what happens, I can come back to safety and access self and I don't have to force this part to go away. I can just keep checking in and checking in, checking in.

ELISE:

Yeah.

GABBY:

Same,

ELISE:

Yeah. And so I'm sure in your experience, a lot of times people are trying to manifest from a part, right? They're trying to manifest from that controller that needs safety and security and a ton of financial abundance with the perception that that will finally make them feel safe. And you write a lot about how solving on the exterior is not the same as resolving anything on the interior, but is this, when you bring this into manifestation, is it like you got to get into yourself before you start even thinking about manifestation?

GABBY:

A hundred percent. I think that this book, well, it may not on a face value look like a manifesting book. It's my biggest manifesting book because we manifest what we believe, and right now most people are walking around with beliefs that they do not like. So the question to you is, how's that working out for you?

And the real manifesting flex is to befriend the belief systems, create safety access to self inside so that these belief systems can feel safer and safer and safer. And then the more self we access, the self is our super attractor power. Self is our manifesting power. Self is our, because what is it? Self is love, self is harmony, self is hope. Self is grace. That's the energy that's required to be a super attractor to effortlessly manifest. No amount of controlling or pushing or protecting is going to be what allows the desires we have to come into form. True manifesting is the art of allowing, and the only way we can allow is when we feel safe

ELISE:

To so many people, when they hear about manifesting, they immediately go to, oh, it's a woo woo. But really all anyone is talking about in that context is recognizing that the world is often somewhat chaotic. The world is going to light all of your fears on fire. The world is going to be unkind to you. It's not going to abide by your internal preferences and our work. Despite all of that, we'll never solve those problems until we resolve ourselves. But we're stuck in this paradigm of wanting to change everything and make it abide by our preferences, which is unfortunately a losing battle. You're just adjusting the thermostat to your preferences and maybe nobody else's anyway. I think to get more people calmed out of fear into themselves and then creating from there I think would be actually a quite dramatic power move in this world.

GABBY:

It is a dramatic power move, and I'm so glad you just said that because you're actually speaking Dick Schwartz's mission, which is that the more people who can access self, the more self-led humans become. And we need more self leaders, not just in leadership roles, but in homes, in schools, on podcasts, on social media. We're all leaders.

ELISE:

Thank you for your service. And I love as a fellow translator of other people's work, it is a great service and it's how we keep these things alive and moving through the culture. So self-help is tight and really easy to access, which is great for a system like IFS, which can feel overwhelming. I highly recommend also if this feels like the work for you, reading No Bad Parts by Dick Schwartz. And I'll also link to his audible original along with the episode that I did with him. He wrote the forward to Self-Help and he and Gabby are doing some interviews and events together. I would love to hear them in conversation. I'm just going to give you his description of protector parts because I think it's helpful too. He writes, “In Internal Family Systems, what we often think of as automatic reactions, addictions or habits are called protector parts.

These can be the part of you that resists authority or gives up when things get hard. You might have a perfectionist who works tirelessly to avoid deeper feelings of inadequacy or rageful part, always ready to fight back whenever you feel challenged or maybe a people pleasing part that puts everyone else's needs above your own in an effort to feel lovable. Protector parts are aptly named for their one core mission, which is to protect against impermissible emotions from the past. Feelings that were established at a young age, such as being unlovable, not good enough, unsafe or even traumatized.” And Gabby simplifies it, which is helpful just so you're talking to protectors and then you're leaving the exile work to therapists. But just to give you the distinction between the manager and the firefighter, because I think this is really helpful. Those are sort of the two variations or flavors of protector.

So a manager and firefighter dynamic may look like this. “A manager part might show up as highly organized and perfectionistic. the part that insists on creating to-do lists, sticking to a strict schedule, meticulously organizing every detail of daily life and striving for perfection and work to prevent criticism or failure. This part is around all the time, maintaining its perfectness to avoid feeling overwhelmed, rejected or judged. However, if this perfectionist manager part fails or makes a mistake, intense feelings of inadequacy and shame can flood in. When these emotions become overwhelming and the can no longer contain them, a firefighter part may emerge and engage in more extreme sometimes harmful behaviors to extinguish the distressing emotions. These behaviors could include self-harm, substance abuse, or disordered eating. Urgent impulsive actions take over to numb or escape the unbearable feelings.” So if you have a lot of firefighters, that is when you should definitely look for an IFS trained therapist. There are thousands and I think it can be incredibly beautiful and very, very soulful work.

What I love about Gabby before I let you guys go is she has obviously a mainstay in this world of new age practices and modalities. And one of the things that I think makes her really powerful and very compelling is that she is on this quest and on this mission with us. She is fully in touch with her shadow. She is doing her work all the time, and she is very conscious. She mentioned briefly that she's a medium, but she's very conscious again, of all of these parts and all these presences and these energies and what is her, what her parts, what is herself and what is spirit. And she doesn't get confused. She doesn't have guru energy or I have all the answers, or I am a perfect creature of light. And I just think that that's really admirable and so important for anyone who has listened to my interviews with Connie's Zweig.

She has a whole book about shadow in the spiritual community and what happens when leaders of movements don't do their own work and that shadow has to go somewhere and it's usually pushed onto the people who are following that person. It can become very, very toxic. Alright, happy New Year. It's going to be an interesting ones, friends. I'm very happy to be with you on this ride.