5 Key Teachings: HIGH CONFLICT, by Amanda Ripley

TRANSCRIPT:

On this week’s episode of Pulling the Thread, I interviewed investigative journalist Amanda Ripley, author of High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out. And we talk about—she calls it Tar Pit conflict—high conflict, versus good conflict. We see this on the world stage as well as in our own relationships, intimate and otherwise. One of the people she profiles in the book is this man Gary, who created the idea of mediating divorce. And he has these incredible questions, three questions: What would it be like if you got what you wanted here? What do you want your opponent to understand about you? What do you want to understand about them? And his recommendation is that we all ask ourselves these questions—ponder them deeply—before we engage in any sort of difficult conversation. And I also want to flag that conflict is inevitable, and it can be essential and good. And it can also be bad. But there are ways to do it well.

CAPTION:

Conflict is unavoidable, and often healthy and essential: But there's a difference between "Good Conflict" and "The Trance of High Conflict," according to investigative journalist and author of High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out. She's the guest on this week's episode of Pulling the Thread, and we went everywhere, including how conflict can become a tar pit, where you find yourself sinking deeper and deeper into its depths. She offers ways to recognize you're in the tar pit and how to get out.

5 KEY TEACHINGS:

1. Amanda spends a lot of time with Gary Friedman, one of the foremost mediators in the country. He describes conflict as the Tar Pits—and makes distinctions between high conflict and good conflict.

Here’s Amanda: “In his mediation work, Gary refers to conflict as a ‘trap.’ That’s a good description. Because conflict, once it escalates past a certain point, operates just like the La Brea Tar Pits. It draws us in, appealing to all kinds of normal and understandable needs and desires. But once we enter, we find we can’t get out. The more we flail about, braying for help, the worse the situation gets. More and more of us get pulling into the muck, without even realizing how much worse we are making our own lives.

            “That’s the main difference between high conflict and good conflict. It’s not usually a function of the subject of the conflict. Nor is it about the yelling or the emotion. It’s about the stagnation. In healthy conflict, there is movement. Questions get asked. Curiosity exists. There can be yelling, too. But healthy conflict leads somewhere. It feels more interesting to get to the other side than to stay in it. In high conflict, the conflict is the destination. There’s nowhere else to go.”

2. Listening is not a passive activity: In fact, Gary teachs a form that requires full-body engagement.