5 Key Teachings: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, by Terry Real

TRANSCRIPT:

We are going to talk about Terry Real’s newest book, US, soon. But today I want to talk about his classic, I Don’t Want to Talk About It. This is about male depression, covert male depression, and traumatized men, and the way that wounded boys become wounding men. And he lays it out beautifully, and essentially offers a prescription for accessing that inner trauma. And as he describes, and we think about what’s happening cultural, this is an essential read for everyone, he talks about the difference when working with men about the difference between active and passive injury. “Active trauma is usually a boundary violation of some kind, a clearly toxic interaction. Passive trauma,  on the other hand, is a form of physical or emotional neglect. Rather than a violent presence, passive trauma may be defined as a violent lack—the absence of nurture and responsibilities normally expected of a caregiver.” And he talks about how telling a child you don’t love them is violent, and I think that happens to a lot of boys.

CAPTION:

We are experiencing a crisis of toxic masculinity: Wounded boys who become wounded men. This was Terry Real’s FIRST book, and besides his latest book, US, which I loved (he's on this week's episode of Pulling the Thread), I think it's his most important. In I Don’t Want to Talk About It, written twenty odd years ago, he asserts that there's an epidemic of covert depression in men that is never diagnosed. Typically there's a core trauma—it might be active trauma (abuse), or more commonly, passive trauma (emotional neglect)—around which the covert depression forms. And the whole mess is protected by an addictive defense (work, substances, sex, etc.). In order to cure men, Real believes the pin must be pulled out of the addictive defense so the underlying trauma can be addressed: Only then does the covert depression become overt. The cure for sadness, per Real, is grief. He has walked many men over the wasteland as they reconnect to their feelings, which they abandoned long ago. If you have sons, please read this book—one thing that Real underlines again and again is this cultural myth that boys must be "turned into" men. We must keep boys close and not emotionally abandon them; and we must push the men we love to heal and get help. I interviewed Terry about this book in the early days of Pulling the Thread. Please take a listen if you missed it!

5 KEY TEACHINGS:

1. Culturally, we’re terrible at recognizing male depression.

One of the ironies about men’s depression is that the very forces that help create it keep us from seeing it. Men are not supposed to be vulnerable. Pain is something we are to rise above. He who has been brought down by it will most likely see himself as shameful, and so, too, may his family and friends, even the mental health profession. Yet I believe it is this secret pain that lies at the heart of many of the difficulties in men’s lives. Hidden depression drives several of the problems we think of as typically male: physical illness, alcohol and drug abuse, domestic violence, failures in intimacy, self-sabotage in careers.

2. Women internalize; men externalize—both instincts must be brought into balance.