5 Key Teachings: US, by Terry Real

TRANSCRIPT:

I love all things Terry Real and so of course, I loved his newest book US: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, which we talked about on Pulling the Thread. And one of the things that we didn’t get really to get to is his four-part process for repair, which works for any relationship. But it’s not that we need to stay continually attached to each other, but that we need to be able to experience disonance and then come back together and repair. And when you are speaking for repair, this is his four step list: This is what I recollect happened. This is what I made up about it. This is what I felt. And this is what would help me feel better. The book, I think is fascinating, whether you’re in a relationship or not, because really it’s about the primary question, as a therapist, that he asks when people come in to see him. What part of you am I talking to? The child, or the wise adult? And then he takes us from there.

CAPTION:

People go to Terry Real when they are on the brink of divorce—that's his sweet spot. But his wisdom isn't only for those who are facing the final days of their relationship: Terry has so much to say about our maladaptive children, grandiosity and its legacy in partnership, and what to do when the spark goes out. This book is a must-read for anyone who wants to preserve, strengthen, or save their relationship. You can hear my conversation with Terry on Pulling the Thread right here.

5 KEY TEACHINGS:

1. Despite popular opinion, most marriages where infidelity occurs do not end in divorce.

Instead, Real (and other therapists, he’s not alone in this) feel like real work can begin when a relationship hits this type of rock bottom. As he writes, “Some infidelities do end in divorce, to be sure, but, statistically, most don’t. Two-thirds of marriages survive the hit. And that doesn’t factor in going to therapy to get help. Angela and Mike are riding out the maelstrom. This is the dark night of the soul of their marriage.”

2. This doesn’t just hold for children: When you’re working with your partner, you must distinguish between who they are and what they’re doing, rather than conflating the two.