I loved this part of the podcast when you discussed the idea of moms getting the leftovers or the cracked egg. It made me think about my upbringing and what my cousins and I called “The mom piece of cake.” I’m Albanian, and I have a large family. Guests often came over, and my job as a young girl was to make coffee/tea and to take out cake and fruit for the company. Everyone knows the first slice of cake that gets cut is always the messiest and ugliest. Whenever I cut the first ugly piece of cake, I would say to myself, “That’s ok, that’s the mom piece.” That's the piece that would go to my mom. There was comfort in knowing I could give my mom the imperfect piece. In the performative task of serving our company - which came with a lot of pressure - the mom piece was my safe place.
"The relative exile I choose instead is very comfortable, but I’ve always wondered whether I’ve trained myself for this preference, and am actually lonely and don’t know how to identify it. " - Oof, that one hit hard.
Lovely piece as usual. We are most definitely the ones to watch! As you know so well, the very earliest cultures were earth/mother-centered, which is of course, to be centered on the value and power of nurturance....The reductive framing of all cultures subsequently has led humans to behave as if there is always going to be enough (clean water, trees, el at) and conversely, that there is not enough for everyone so dominance = safety. I wish we could know broadly what the world would be like now had humans continued to value nurturance and restrained dominance. In some ways, we can know--we live it in our womanly ways.
I just started Anne’s new book so I’m excited to dig in. And, I was interested in this piece. I was also left with some questions. As someone who’s been unpacking my programming for a while, specifically the more subtle bits recently, I’m starting to recognize I’m not meant to be “like this” or “like that”, but instead, rest into the present moment and acknowledge what’s emerging, what’s meant to be honored, what choice feels most congruent in the body/heart in that very individualized moment. Giving without an interior practice that connects/ties my identity to my deeper nature in an embodied way of being….I can easily give from a cup that doesn’t refill itself energetically. The truth is, many women, like me, are/were/continue to operate from systematized trauma. Learning to discern if something comes from love and service vs. loss of self or being a people pleasure can be an important distinction.
Of course, it’s not as simple as a piece of cake, but when I tune in I can sometimes gauge that I’m preparing to give conditionally (which comes with expectation and then resentment) so some sort of awareness/presence practice is key. It’s a silly example, but just the other day I offered my husband my last piece of handmade pizza, but today I wanted the extra chicken wing and said as much. Outside of making it sound like we don’t eat very healthy, I’m coming to recognize that my husband is getting more curious about my needs as I become more self-possessed.
"Rather than behaving like men, as we’re all subtly encouraged to do, the world would be mightily improved if everyone could be more like us." !!!! I love this reframe SO much—girlbossing always felt wrong to me, but I couldn't ever understand why. (I was a *feminist* after all! I believed in liberation!) But being individualistic on way through the glass ceiling never quite made sense to me. Have you read "The Chalice and the Blade" by Riane Eisler? (A shameless bit of self-promotion: I wrote about it here— https://cailey.substack.com/p/i-came-up-with-this-new-movement ) I've lately been obsessed with Eisler's idea of gylany and her explanations of different types of female empowerment throughout history. Anyway: thank you so much for this, Elise! Your work is both enlightening and validating of my own quiet grappling with social trends <3
Can totally relate to this post! I have two boys as well and like Rob, my husband eats their food without asking or swipes fries from their plates. I always ask if I can have something of what they are eating. Personally, I think it’s rude to not ask and try to model that for my kids. I don’t need an invite to the table, but will ask to be included if I want to be there, without making any assumptions.
Boy do I relate to this post. I was having this discussion with my mom just last night about the expectation to put ones self last as a wife and mother and how the balance is so delicate. Put yourself last too often and the dregs are what you'll get, even when you'd like more.* Put yourself first and you are seen as selfish and 'bad'. (*it takes the shine off the joy of service, which I do think has so much value)
When I give without my needs being met or when I’m given to at the expense of the giver, something always feels “off.” The exception to this was when I was raising young kids. That’s a piece of life that, for me, was about learning how deep the giving could go before I’d completely melt into a puddle.
I read this post a while ago, and it keeps popping back into my head…what an amazing concept, wouldn’t the world be a better place if we ALL exhibited some feminine energy and behaviors!!! YES!!!! 👏
It also occurred to me…it is great women can be so giving, but it would be ideal if it was from a truly inner inspiration and unconditional love and not out of desire for external acceptance. I realize now much of my life I navigated based on what I thought my parents and society was the best, most “right” practices and actions, not from my true, authentic self. I feel a lot of women are people pleasers out of a childhood coping mechanism and then they give from that space versus from raw authentic love. Not to shame people pleasers! I am MAJOR
one!! And not to say women only give based on old trauma…there is absolutely always love there too! It’s not B&W! All I’m saying is…Lately I have been forced to think about my own inner, authentic motivations…it would be great if everyone in this world gave, helped, nurtured more AND from sovereignty, and inner inspiration.
As always a thought provoking piece Elise. My mum definately always took the smallest piece. I have spend a lot of my life teaching myself to nourish myself and to take what I want and need. Part of that has meant walking away from relationships where I deprived myself of my needs. I can take up space when I am single but I am still learning how to feed myself and not loose myself when I am not alone.
I do agree that in our world women's approaches often hold so much value. As Anne mentioned there is love in that holding back. I love that. And I love teaching myself to see that in my own mother's choices. I love the idea of women rebuilding the world with this wisdom and I try to support, endorse this too.
But also, even if you or I might know the beauty there - I will still get penalised, punished or pushed over for that approach in many of the organisational and social systems we live within. I can think of multiple situations in my life right now, where leading with this sort of approach within systems which devalue it is not making my life easy and ultimately causing me harm. I don't think I should change, but I also don't think it is easy.
I loved this part of the podcast when you discussed the idea of moms getting the leftovers or the cracked egg. It made me think about my upbringing and what my cousins and I called “The mom piece of cake.” I’m Albanian, and I have a large family. Guests often came over, and my job as a young girl was to make coffee/tea and to take out cake and fruit for the company. Everyone knows the first slice of cake that gets cut is always the messiest and ugliest. Whenever I cut the first ugly piece of cake, I would say to myself, “That’s ok, that’s the mom piece.” That's the piece that would go to my mom. There was comfort in knowing I could give my mom the imperfect piece. In the performative task of serving our company - which came with a lot of pressure - the mom piece was my safe place.
"The relative exile I choose instead is very comfortable, but I’ve always wondered whether I’ve trained myself for this preference, and am actually lonely and don’t know how to identify it. " - Oof, that one hit hard.
Lovely piece as usual. We are most definitely the ones to watch! As you know so well, the very earliest cultures were earth/mother-centered, which is of course, to be centered on the value and power of nurturance....The reductive framing of all cultures subsequently has led humans to behave as if there is always going to be enough (clean water, trees, el at) and conversely, that there is not enough for everyone so dominance = safety. I wish we could know broadly what the world would be like now had humans continued to value nurturance and restrained dominance. In some ways, we can know--we live it in our womanly ways.
I just started Anne’s new book so I’m excited to dig in. And, I was interested in this piece. I was also left with some questions. As someone who’s been unpacking my programming for a while, specifically the more subtle bits recently, I’m starting to recognize I’m not meant to be “like this” or “like that”, but instead, rest into the present moment and acknowledge what’s emerging, what’s meant to be honored, what choice feels most congruent in the body/heart in that very individualized moment. Giving without an interior practice that connects/ties my identity to my deeper nature in an embodied way of being….I can easily give from a cup that doesn’t refill itself energetically. The truth is, many women, like me, are/were/continue to operate from systematized trauma. Learning to discern if something comes from love and service vs. loss of self or being a people pleasure can be an important distinction.
Of course, it’s not as simple as a piece of cake, but when I tune in I can sometimes gauge that I’m preparing to give conditionally (which comes with expectation and then resentment) so some sort of awareness/presence practice is key. It’s a silly example, but just the other day I offered my husband my last piece of handmade pizza, but today I wanted the extra chicken wing and said as much. Outside of making it sound like we don’t eat very healthy, I’m coming to recognize that my husband is getting more curious about my needs as I become more self-possessed.
Anne Lamott! And oh how I also so need to be invited to feel comfortable to join in. What is that about?
Love where you end up :).
"Rather than behaving like men, as we’re all subtly encouraged to do, the world would be mightily improved if everyone could be more like us." !!!! I love this reframe SO much—girlbossing always felt wrong to me, but I couldn't ever understand why. (I was a *feminist* after all! I believed in liberation!) But being individualistic on way through the glass ceiling never quite made sense to me. Have you read "The Chalice and the Blade" by Riane Eisler? (A shameless bit of self-promotion: I wrote about it here— https://cailey.substack.com/p/i-came-up-with-this-new-movement ) I've lately been obsessed with Eisler's idea of gylany and her explanations of different types of female empowerment throughout history. Anyway: thank you so much for this, Elise! Your work is both enlightening and validating of my own quiet grappling with social trends <3
Can totally relate to this post! I have two boys as well and like Rob, my husband eats their food without asking or swipes fries from their plates. I always ask if I can have something of what they are eating. Personally, I think it’s rude to not ask and try to model that for my kids. I don’t need an invite to the table, but will ask to be included if I want to be there, without making any assumptions.
Boy do I relate to this post. I was having this discussion with my mom just last night about the expectation to put ones self last as a wife and mother and how the balance is so delicate. Put yourself last too often and the dregs are what you'll get, even when you'd like more.* Put yourself first and you are seen as selfish and 'bad'. (*it takes the shine off the joy of service, which I do think has so much value)
“or at least ensured that her needs were met.”
When I give without my needs being met or when I’m given to at the expense of the giver, something always feels “off.” The exception to this was when I was raising young kids. That’s a piece of life that, for me, was about learning how deep the giving could go before I’d completely melt into a puddle.
wow, thank you for underscoring the paradox and nuance here. so good.
I read this post a while ago, and it keeps popping back into my head…what an amazing concept, wouldn’t the world be a better place if we ALL exhibited some feminine energy and behaviors!!! YES!!!! 👏
It also occurred to me…it is great women can be so giving, but it would be ideal if it was from a truly inner inspiration and unconditional love and not out of desire for external acceptance. I realize now much of my life I navigated based on what I thought my parents and society was the best, most “right” practices and actions, not from my true, authentic self. I feel a lot of women are people pleasers out of a childhood coping mechanism and then they give from that space versus from raw authentic love. Not to shame people pleasers! I am MAJOR
one!! And not to say women only give based on old trauma…there is absolutely always love there too! It’s not B&W! All I’m saying is…Lately I have been forced to think about my own inner, authentic motivations…it would be great if everyone in this world gave, helped, nurtured more AND from sovereignty, and inner inspiration.
As always a thought provoking piece Elise. My mum definately always took the smallest piece. I have spend a lot of my life teaching myself to nourish myself and to take what I want and need. Part of that has meant walking away from relationships where I deprived myself of my needs. I can take up space when I am single but I am still learning how to feed myself and not loose myself when I am not alone.
I do agree that in our world women's approaches often hold so much value. As Anne mentioned there is love in that holding back. I love that. And I love teaching myself to see that in my own mother's choices. I love the idea of women rebuilding the world with this wisdom and I try to support, endorse this too.
But also, even if you or I might know the beauty there - I will still get penalised, punished or pushed over for that approach in many of the organisational and social systems we live within. I can think of multiple situations in my life right now, where leading with this sort of approach within systems which devalue it is not making my life easy and ultimately causing me harm. I don't think I should change, but I also don't think it is easy.
Yes! As a parent, we often play (or become) the martyr. Is this a societal expectation or something we put on ourselves?