Feeling Matriotic
What might be around the corner?
Maybe I’m feeling homesick as I head home from Australia, but I love being American. Yes, I’ve shared in moments of collective shame when people across the globe have been (rightly) upset with us across time, but I still love being from the United States. Traveling is amazing—I love seeing the world—but there’s really nothing better than the hug of your own bed, of being home.
America is having an exciting moment, too—with a woman (again) on the top of the ticket of a major party. I’m hoping that we see a woman in the oval office for a number of reasons in January, but mostly because I’m hoping it ushers in a new perception of what’s possible.
In 2018, I interviewed Amy Whitaker about her book Art Thinking: How to Carve Out Creative Space in a World of Schedules, Budgets, and Bosses. While this was before I started keeping meticulous notes on everything I’ve read, it’s a book that’s stuck with me over the years thanks to a few concepts. One was the concept of treating art and creative projects like throw pillows that need the underlying support of a couch—i.e., a creative process can often be liberated by removing financial pressure, which is why someone who wants to write a novel, or is trying for a solo art show, might be served by keeping a stable job going concurrently. And she also told the story of Roger Bannister, which is relevant here.
Some of you may know about Bannister, but for those who don’t, here’s a brief overview: Bannister was a medical student at Oxford who ran the first sub-four minute mile. It hadn’t been done, nobody thought it was possible, and yet, he did it—during his lunch break at school—in 1954 at the age of 25. Since then, nearly more than 1,700 athletes have done it, with the fastest time being 3:43.13 by Hicham El Guerrouj of Morocco.
What’s fascinating about the story is that as soon as Bannister did it, someone else did it too—and rapidly. Bannister broke the record in May, Australia’s John Landy broke it again in June of that year. Point being: Once we see that something is possible, it automatically becomes achievable, again and again. Bannister broke a psychological barrier. Even if Kamala isn’t your choice in November, I hope that you hope that if she wins, she will break a dam of belief that holds all women back—the belief that America is not capable of electing a woman to the presidency. If we do this, I have faith that there will be a fast follow from both parties.
I sometimes resist the idea that equalizing levels of representation will solve all our problems—it can be easy to go there, to assume that every woman will be different (and concurrently, that every man is the same). I think of masculinity and femininity as energies, not gender norms, and so I think that a woman who is overly flexed into masculinity can be more or less equivalent to a man who struggles with the same imbalance. Women can be toxically masculine, too. Kamala feels balanced to me—joyful, soft, easy with her laugh—and yet also fierce. She’s a prosecutor, after all. I wouldn’t want to end up opposite her in court.
And as for the guys, this is why I really, really love seeing a spate of men who are letting their feminine come up—all of those qualities of love, nurturance, and care—of which VP nominee Tim Walz seems to carry in spades. It’s refreshing to see men standing behind women, being hyper-present parents and partners, of crying in public, of being balanced. Those of you who have read On Our Best Behavior know that’s my ultimate dream: Occupying both energies is human, it’s our birthright.
Last week, Lupin on IG asked me why we say patriotic and not matriotic, which is a fantastic question. Unsurprisingly, patriotic comes from patris (fatherland), patrios (of one’s fathers). Matriotic is the opposite—to come from our mothers. I’d love to see it used interchangeably—can we please make matriotic happen?—while we move toward something that’s androgynous. Wouldn’t it be amazing to find language that’s equally honoring of everything that makes us fully human?
You probably didn’t miss surgeon general Vivek Murthy’s op-ed today about how families are breaking. He writes: “A recent study by the American Psychological Association revealed that 48 percent of parents say most days their stress is completely overwhelming, compared with 26 percent of other adults who reported the same. They are navigating traditional hardships of parenting — worrying about money and safety, struggling to get enough sleep — as well as new stressors, including omnipresent screens, a youth mental health crisis and widespread fear about the future.” While his piece isn’t gendered—which is interesting to me—the care function in many families is still primarily tied to the backs of women. I hope that Murthy’s genderless approach to the struggles of parents suggests a sea change, though. I hope that a Kamala/Walz presidency might mean relief for families—paid family leave, universal daycare, common sense gun laws to keep kids safe, swift action on climate—and I hope and expect that Walz will carry that burden of that responsibility across the line, too. May Matriosm prevail.
God bless America. May we live up to our possibilities.
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My New York Times bestselling book—On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to be Good—is out now.
Matriosm! I'm in!
Great essay! I read your book earlier this summer. I have recommended to my book club and we will be reading it later this year. 😀 Thank you for sharing your scholarship and talent.