5 Key Teachings: NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION, by Marshall Rosenberg

TRANSCRIPT:

So I think I one of the most essential and important books that anyone can read if they want better relationships with anyone is Nonviolent Communication. I wish Marshall Rosenberg were still alive, I’d love to interview him because I think his book is so powerful. And one of its central tenets is our instinct or desire to not take responsibility for our own feelings, and how we then unleash that on other people. So he writes:

We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves:
·      Vague, impersonal forces—“I cleaned my room because I had to.”
·      Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history—“I drink because I am an alcoholic.”
·      The actions of others—“I hit my child because he ran into the street.”
·      The dictates of authority—“I lied to the client because the boss told me to.”
·      Group pressure—“I started smoking because all my friends did.”
·      Institutional policies, rules, and regulations—“I have to suspend you for this infraction because it’s the school policy.”
·      Gender roles, social roles, or age roles—“I hate going to work, but I do it because I am a husband and a father.”
·      Uncontrollable impulses—“I was overcome by my urge to eat the candy bar.”

The book is essentially all about autonomy, taking responsibility for ourselves, and how as much as we want to shift blame, it’s more powerful to simply own it.

5 KEY TEACHINGS:

1. Our language is inherently alienating—and we’re not conscious about exactly how and why.

As he writes: “Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing. I believe life-alienating communication is rooted in views of human nature that have exerted their influence for several centuries.”

2. We don’t know what’s required to actually express the granularity and intensity of a feeling, using “I feel” instead as a way to soften our beliefs. We synonymize “feel” and “think.”