For me, I've studied these paths since my 20s, I'm now almost 80, and I've just learned a tool called "Give Back, Take Back" (GB-TB)-- and by God, it's changing my life. My sense is that when I was born, I was a pure light filled with creative imagination, joy and play. I was like a sponge, sucking up all the stories of my ancestral lineage that were given me by my parents -- and they gave to me what *their* parents gave them, and what their grandparents (my great grands) gave them -- I can just smell the moldy mildew of these stories and belief patterns now. And this tool GB-TB allows me hear/read/see something upsetting to me, feel it my own body as I listen to my body, listen to where it hurts, tenses, curls up and I sit with it. Doing this often, helps me feel the suffering, and my body will name it for me. Then I notice where *that* came from, who or what believed that, who or what gave that energy to me, because there it is in my field -- and then I give back the energy to them, and I take back the energy in me that was quashed then. I first did this in a workshop called the Journey of Profound Healing (a Sai Maa program) I did it with my childhood, my parents. For example, I'd give my Mother back her numbness, and I'd take back my aliveness. I'd say, "Mother, I give you back your criticism and I take back my compassion, my love for myself." So that's where I find myself today ... "I give _____ back their guilt, and I take back my innocence." This is all done with love ... I give back what belongs to someone else, it was never mine, it was just an energy in my field that doesn't belong there. When I'm complete with the energy I free myself and the other by saying, "_________, today I free you from me, and I free me from you." Blessings.
A few months ago I realized that I carried guilt around as a way of deflecting envy. If I let guilt weigh me down, drag me down, spoil my joy then I could pre-empt the spoiling of others, their envy. How wild is that?? Needless to say, I have become much more vigilant about guilt. It is so not useful. It doesn't propel you into action, it crowds out deep loving compassion, it sucks the energy out of you. I wonder what the opposite of guilt is or the emotion below the emotion with guilt - my hunch is fear but fear of what?
Appreciated seeing these words defined. I can’t help but think about shame when thinking about guilt - which for me is a tough one to work through. Wondering how others feel.
My therapist asks, "Did you transgress against your beliefs and values?" If the answer's no, she pushes me to find a new word, a new feeling.
Re: guilt inspiring action... I've heard more and more lately that we change by feeling good, not by feeling bad. (CC: Tiny Habits) I definitely find guilt to be more of a paralyzing force than an activating one.
1. Brene Brown says something like “guilt is ‘I did something bad’ shame is ‘I am bad.’ So she thinks guilt can be valuable whereas shame is never good. I’m with her on the level of individuals. On a societal level, I think shame can have valuable functions. The McCarthy hearings were short-circuited with “Have you no shame?”
2. Daniel Pink has a formula for dealing with difficult emotions: “Feeling is for thinking and thinking is for doing.” Unpacked, it’s “I feel guilty. Why? What behaviors led me to this uncomfortable feeling? What would I have to do to avoid having these uncomfortable feelings again?” Then do those things. So Pink thinks an emotion like guilt can have value if we can learn the lessons it’s offering.
3. Etymology is a great way to get underneath what words are communicating. An examination of metaphors is equally or even more valuable. Lakoff and Johnson’s work on metaphor shows that we think in metaphor (as opposed to using metaphors to help us understand something—which is how we tend to think about metaphors)
Example: Happy is “up” whereas sad is “down.” Without the up/down metaphor, it would be difficult to understand what we mean by happy and sad. This is too brief to fully illustrate their point but hopefully gives a sense. I highly recommend their book “Metaphors We Live By.”
This is so fascinating! And what a clear way to think of and process emotions. Guilt is definitely a big one - and I can see how dear and apathy are currently coursing in the veins of our collective…
I found the vibrations of each state fascinating and it only shows how it’s not a hierarchy that we work out way up. We bounce and flip back and forth through the states. It’s amazing like you said how guilt is the second lowest frequency and explains why when you’re in that state it can feel so all consuming and like you’re so far from your ultimate goal of love and peace. (If you think of it as a ladder or scale ruler) It’s helpful for me to see that it’s not about distance from something, more a turning of a dial.
Your write up fell right into my lap as I needed to process the undesirable task of “breaking up” with my hairstylist! I don’t mean to belittle or demean the deep and profound epiphanies bubbling from your article. But the guilt felt in this otherwise mundane matter is overwhelming to me! I even consulted AI to give me the words to deliver this message which may be difficult for the recipient to hear. But I need to draw from empowerment to do what’s best for me and makes me happy even if my actions sting.
"The problem here is that it’s a feeling of offense, a feeling that we’ve crossed some sort of invisible line—without any proof." A lot of the grief I cling to has proof regarding the damage my crossing the line created. For me , dealing with it involves stopping running, turning to face it, embracing and sitting with it, asking what it needs/wants to show me, and then compassionately releasing it. It's ugly and uncomfortable, but it seems to be putting me on the path toward healing and integration.
Whenever I read your posts or listen to your podcasts I add 3 more books to my to-read list! So interesting, I just want to know more and more about the topics you discuss 💗
In this case, I'd like to advocate for all emotions as powerful messengers. The so-called "negative emotions" (I prefer "afflictive", for they are certainly painful), might be the most important -or, at lest, basic, of all; we couldn't go through life without them. Fear points to a threat (real or perceived), and allows us to address it; anger to the trespassing of our (or others') boundaries; guilt to some form of wrongdoing or harm caused to others; shame, to not living up to our (or society's) values.
Of course, all of these emotions have their shadow side. We can feel neurotic guilt, without any wrongdoing, or neurotic shame out of a misguided sense of inadequacy. But the emotions themselves are not to blame. They are merely alarm signals; it's up to us to figure out if they are pointing to something real we must address, or if, instead, as in the case of unwarranted shame, we need to heal our wounds through self-compassion.
I do believe being with our emotions, listening to them, understanding them (and, sometimes, questioning them) is a fertile path to healing and growth.
This list is fascinating! I work with a lot of people who are consumed by guilt. I love utilizing Byron Katie’s work to help unpack these feelings. As far as what to do with bad feelings, I have to move. I worked with a trainer 8 months ago who said I need to stop cardio and only use weights 🙄. I listened, but after 6 months I started cardio again and it was the best release.
I believe emotions like guilt and shame were once useful in helping us evolve, however, in the world we live in now they feel super harmful and dysregulating.
To me guilt and shame are very similar. They both tend to have the end point of “I am bad” or “I am undeserving.” I find the work of Byron Katie very helpful with that kind of emotion. As well as the book Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott. The past four months or so I’ve been doing a ton of internal work around shame and I don’t know if my vibration has raised but something finally shifted. I’ve spent most of my life ashamed and small and now I don’t feel that way. But shame is a powerful tool of social conformity, even as it always backfires (in mental illness and shoving all kinds of things into the collective shadow). We live in a time of amplified shame I think.
For me, I've studied these paths since my 20s, I'm now almost 80, and I've just learned a tool called "Give Back, Take Back" (GB-TB)-- and by God, it's changing my life. My sense is that when I was born, I was a pure light filled with creative imagination, joy and play. I was like a sponge, sucking up all the stories of my ancestral lineage that were given me by my parents -- and they gave to me what *their* parents gave them, and what their grandparents (my great grands) gave them -- I can just smell the moldy mildew of these stories and belief patterns now. And this tool GB-TB allows me hear/read/see something upsetting to me, feel it my own body as I listen to my body, listen to where it hurts, tenses, curls up and I sit with it. Doing this often, helps me feel the suffering, and my body will name it for me. Then I notice where *that* came from, who or what believed that, who or what gave that energy to me, because there it is in my field -- and then I give back the energy to them, and I take back the energy in me that was quashed then. I first did this in a workshop called the Journey of Profound Healing (a Sai Maa program) I did it with my childhood, my parents. For example, I'd give my Mother back her numbness, and I'd take back my aliveness. I'd say, "Mother, I give you back your criticism and I take back my compassion, my love for myself." So that's where I find myself today ... "I give _____ back their guilt, and I take back my innocence." This is all done with love ... I give back what belongs to someone else, it was never mine, it was just an energy in my field that doesn't belong there. When I'm complete with the energy I free myself and the other by saying, "_________, today I free you from me, and I free me from you." Blessings.
This is so so cool. Thank you for sharing!
You are very welcome!
A few months ago I realized that I carried guilt around as a way of deflecting envy. If I let guilt weigh me down, drag me down, spoil my joy then I could pre-empt the spoiling of others, their envy. How wild is that?? Needless to say, I have become much more vigilant about guilt. It is so not useful. It doesn't propel you into action, it crowds out deep loving compassion, it sucks the energy out of you. I wonder what the opposite of guilt is or the emotion below the emotion with guilt - my hunch is fear but fear of what?
Deflecting envy...wow that really resonates! I think the opposite of guilt/shame is forgiveness.❤
Ohhhh maybe forgiveness of oneself or even just compassion...this makes sense to me!
Appreciated seeing these words defined. I can’t help but think about shame when thinking about guilt - which for me is a tough one to work through. Wondering how others feel.
My therapist asks, "Did you transgress against your beliefs and values?" If the answer's no, she pushes me to find a new word, a new feeling.
Re: guilt inspiring action... I've heard more and more lately that we change by feeling good, not by feeling bad. (CC: Tiny Habits) I definitely find guilt to be more of a paralyzing force than an activating one.
Three thoughts:
1. Brene Brown says something like “guilt is ‘I did something bad’ shame is ‘I am bad.’ So she thinks guilt can be valuable whereas shame is never good. I’m with her on the level of individuals. On a societal level, I think shame can have valuable functions. The McCarthy hearings were short-circuited with “Have you no shame?”
2. Daniel Pink has a formula for dealing with difficult emotions: “Feeling is for thinking and thinking is for doing.” Unpacked, it’s “I feel guilty. Why? What behaviors led me to this uncomfortable feeling? What would I have to do to avoid having these uncomfortable feelings again?” Then do those things. So Pink thinks an emotion like guilt can have value if we can learn the lessons it’s offering.
3. Etymology is a great way to get underneath what words are communicating. An examination of metaphors is equally or even more valuable. Lakoff and Johnson’s work on metaphor shows that we think in metaphor (as opposed to using metaphors to help us understand something—which is how we tend to think about metaphors)
Example: Happy is “up” whereas sad is “down.” Without the up/down metaphor, it would be difficult to understand what we mean by happy and sad. This is too brief to fully illustrate their point but hopefully gives a sense. I highly recommend their book “Metaphors We Live By.”
This is so fascinating! And what a clear way to think of and process emotions. Guilt is definitely a big one - and I can see how dear and apathy are currently coursing in the veins of our collective…
I found the vibrations of each state fascinating and it only shows how it’s not a hierarchy that we work out way up. We bounce and flip back and forth through the states. It’s amazing like you said how guilt is the second lowest frequency and explains why when you’re in that state it can feel so all consuming and like you’re so far from your ultimate goal of love and peace. (If you think of it as a ladder or scale ruler) It’s helpful for me to see that it’s not about distance from something, more a turning of a dial.
Your write up fell right into my lap as I needed to process the undesirable task of “breaking up” with my hairstylist! I don’t mean to belittle or demean the deep and profound epiphanies bubbling from your article. But the guilt felt in this otherwise mundane matter is overwhelming to me! I even consulted AI to give me the words to deliver this message which may be difficult for the recipient to hear. But I need to draw from empowerment to do what’s best for me and makes me happy even if my actions sting.
"The problem here is that it’s a feeling of offense, a feeling that we’ve crossed some sort of invisible line—without any proof." A lot of the grief I cling to has proof regarding the damage my crossing the line created. For me , dealing with it involves stopping running, turning to face it, embracing and sitting with it, asking what it needs/wants to show me, and then compassionately releasing it. It's ugly and uncomfortable, but it seems to be putting me on the path toward healing and integration.
Whenever I read your posts or listen to your podcasts I add 3 more books to my to-read list! So interesting, I just want to know more and more about the topics you discuss 💗
Thank you for your rich offerings, Elise!
In this case, I'd like to advocate for all emotions as powerful messengers. The so-called "negative emotions" (I prefer "afflictive", for they are certainly painful), might be the most important -or, at lest, basic, of all; we couldn't go through life without them. Fear points to a threat (real or perceived), and allows us to address it; anger to the trespassing of our (or others') boundaries; guilt to some form of wrongdoing or harm caused to others; shame, to not living up to our (or society's) values.
Of course, all of these emotions have their shadow side. We can feel neurotic guilt, without any wrongdoing, or neurotic shame out of a misguided sense of inadequacy. But the emotions themselves are not to blame. They are merely alarm signals; it's up to us to figure out if they are pointing to something real we must address, or if, instead, as in the case of unwarranted shame, we need to heal our wounds through self-compassion.
I do believe being with our emotions, listening to them, understanding them (and, sometimes, questioning them) is a fertile path to healing and growth.
This list is fascinating! I work with a lot of people who are consumed by guilt. I love utilizing Byron Katie’s work to help unpack these feelings. As far as what to do with bad feelings, I have to move. I worked with a trainer 8 months ago who said I need to stop cardio and only use weights 🙄. I listened, but after 6 months I started cardio again and it was the best release.
I believe emotions like guilt and shame were once useful in helping us evolve, however, in the world we live in now they feel super harmful and dysregulating.
To me guilt and shame are very similar. They both tend to have the end point of “I am bad” or “I am undeserving.” I find the work of Byron Katie very helpful with that kind of emotion. As well as the book Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott. The past four months or so I’ve been doing a ton of internal work around shame and I don’t know if my vibration has raised but something finally shifted. I’ve spent most of my life ashamed and small and now I don’t feel that way. But shame is a powerful tool of social conformity, even as it always backfires (in mental illness and shoving all kinds of things into the collective shadow). We live in a time of amplified shame I think.