Every word of this is resonant, thank you. Putting all my weight on my horse is one of my biggest riding challenges. And the larger theme of giving more than I take, or not taking at all, is a constant challenge. Giving has been my default. Whereas receiving tends to be occasional. I have started practicing what I think of as “active receiving” where I check to see if I am remembering to take in nourishment throughout my day- beauty, sensations, kind words, and so on- envisioning myself like a sponge that soaks the nourishment of the day in. It’s crazy how hard it is to remember! Thank you for articulating what I’ve been feeling with such clarity and accuracy.
I felt this profoundly. This was me 2 years ago and I would love to say I've mastered it but I am still very much a work in progress. You are aware of the busyness and what it provides you. That is where you start at awareness. Programming goes deep and we just chip away at it bit by bit. Thank you for this vulnerable post on a topic many many woman wrestle with.
Wow! “I think I spend most of my life in a defensive squat, refusing to accept support, even from inanimate objects built for that very purpose” I am in one now - laugh not laughing emoji
I absolutely love this. Vulnerability about busyness is so rare. I recently wrote about attempting to prove my worth, using a rope ladder as my metaphor. Thanks Elise, your writing inspires me to keep going as a newish blogging writer. You might also appreciate my “God as a horse” poem given your affinity for riding them!
Oh the things we hide behind! Busyness is one of mine too and I seem to have recently added distraction to the list. Can I blame it on summer? I don't think so.
Great essay Elise, I am looking forward to checking out all the links you shared.
It hits hard, and it sure hits home! I very recently wrote, "I’ve built a lifetime of doing what’s asked, what’s needed, what’s perceived as strong or generous... I’ve tasted the harm of equating my worth with how much I could give, how well I could perform, how well I’m liked. But I’m trying something different now. I’m trying to listen to my body, my longing, my intuition — the parts of me that don’t speak in resumes or job titles." Thank you for naming the ways we as women, as people pleasers, as fawners contort to prove our value and not burden others.
Thank you Elise. 😭 it often feels like we are surfing the same invisible wave but you have the words to describe it. Your willingness to name and hold space and be real - it shows up often exactly at the moment where I realize I’ve been holding my breath waiting for someone to give me permission. Emily P. Freeman calls it „sitting down on the inside.“ - you call it „putting all your weight on the horse.“
Yeah, it’s time to learn to let go and settle into your saddle. Now that you know you are holding, and you know the control is an illusion, use the awareness to let go.
I also kept my body twisted and leaned on no one. I learned how to let go only when my body physically hurt from forever and always holding and protecting. I feel like learning to let go happened on a cellular level, consciously willing my body, bit by bit, to let go, over and over, minute by minute, day by day, until it became a new normal. I still hold tho. The old clench is still there, but less so. So much less so. Reading this reminded me to let go again.
You will be surprised at the wonder of being held when you let go. It feels so good. It’s fukking scary, but good scary.
This one really did hit hard! Your vulnerability and grace allowed me to explore this within myself. I always wonder how people seem to do it all. As I get older I realize I don’t want to be that person, I just want to feel perfectly satiated in spending my days floating down a river or working on a craft. Unfortunately the need to make money adds to the busyness mythos but I don’t need as much of that as I think I do anyways. A lot of myth busting needed around here.
Yes I too am learning and unlearning to sit with my emotions and not work them in around go go go ! And as well the “I am the only one that can do this task, so I’ll keep on keeping on…” thank you for this post
This, time and busyness, was *the* core of a recent ayahuasca retreat for me. I’ve never felt the construct hold me tighter and I’ve never been more curious to break free from it. (I’m with ya.)
Every word of this is resonant, thank you. Putting all my weight on my horse is one of my biggest riding challenges. And the larger theme of giving more than I take, or not taking at all, is a constant challenge. Giving has been my default. Whereas receiving tends to be occasional. I have started practicing what I think of as “active receiving” where I check to see if I am remembering to take in nourishment throughout my day- beauty, sensations, kind words, and so on- envisioning myself like a sponge that soaks the nourishment of the day in. It’s crazy how hard it is to remember! Thank you for articulating what I’ve been feeling with such clarity and accuracy.
I felt this profoundly. This was me 2 years ago and I would love to say I've mastered it but I am still very much a work in progress. You are aware of the busyness and what it provides you. That is where you start at awareness. Programming goes deep and we just chip away at it bit by bit. Thank you for this vulnerable post on a topic many many woman wrestle with.
Wow! “I think I spend most of my life in a defensive squat, refusing to accept support, even from inanimate objects built for that very purpose” I am in one now - laugh not laughing emoji
I absolutely love this. Vulnerability about busyness is so rare. I recently wrote about attempting to prove my worth, using a rope ladder as my metaphor. Thanks Elise, your writing inspires me to keep going as a newish blogging writer. You might also appreciate my “God as a horse” poem given your affinity for riding them!
You can find me on howtobehere.substack.com
Oh the things we hide behind! Busyness is one of mine too and I seem to have recently added distraction to the list. Can I blame it on summer? I don't think so.
Great essay Elise, I am looking forward to checking out all the links you shared.
It hits hard, and it sure hits home! I very recently wrote, "I’ve built a lifetime of doing what’s asked, what’s needed, what’s perceived as strong or generous... I’ve tasted the harm of equating my worth with how much I could give, how well I could perform, how well I’m liked. But I’m trying something different now. I’m trying to listen to my body, my longing, my intuition — the parts of me that don’t speak in resumes or job titles." Thank you for naming the ways we as women, as people pleasers, as fawners contort to prove our value and not burden others.
OOF Elise. - you just summed up my summer (and life) with every word. Thank you.
Thank you Elise. 😭 it often feels like we are surfing the same invisible wave but you have the words to describe it. Your willingness to name and hold space and be real - it shows up often exactly at the moment where I realize I’ve been holding my breath waiting for someone to give me permission. Emily P. Freeman calls it „sitting down on the inside.“ - you call it „putting all your weight on the horse.“
Yeah, it’s time to learn to let go and settle into your saddle. Now that you know you are holding, and you know the control is an illusion, use the awareness to let go.
I also kept my body twisted and leaned on no one. I learned how to let go only when my body physically hurt from forever and always holding and protecting. I feel like learning to let go happened on a cellular level, consciously willing my body, bit by bit, to let go, over and over, minute by minute, day by day, until it became a new normal. I still hold tho. The old clench is still there, but less so. So much less so. Reading this reminded me to let go again.
You will be surprised at the wonder of being held when you let go. It feels so good. It’s fukking scary, but good scary.
This one really did hit hard! Your vulnerability and grace allowed me to explore this within myself. I always wonder how people seem to do it all. As I get older I realize I don’t want to be that person, I just want to feel perfectly satiated in spending my days floating down a river or working on a craft. Unfortunately the need to make money adds to the busyness mythos but I don’t need as much of that as I think I do anyways. A lot of myth busting needed around here.
What is another word for slave labor? Overtime
Yes, thank you, me too.
Yes I too am learning and unlearning to sit with my emotions and not work them in around go go go ! And as well the “I am the only one that can do this task, so I’ll keep on keeping on…” thank you for this post
This, time and busyness, was *the* core of a recent ayahuasca retreat for me. I’ve never felt the construct hold me tighter and I’ve never been more curious to break free from it. (I’m with ya.)
This is so incredibly helpful. Thank you for sharing!
<3