A few weeks ago, I was driving with my friend Courtney. We were talking about we wanted for our careers and I was showing, ahem, a lack of imagination. Or a desire to retreat and be hermit-like, which holds a strong pull for me.
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“I don’t want to get any bigger,” I explained.
She looked at me for a second. “Sounds like you have an Upper Limit Problem.”
Upper Limit Problem is a Gay Hendricks concept that I had read about in his book, The Big Leap a few years ago. I remember noting it with interest, but then I kept going.
“Remind me of what that means?” I asked her.
“It means that when you start to experience flow, abundance, expansion, or your Zone of Genius, your instinct is to contract.”
This reminds me of something the brilliant Anne Emerson said to me a few months ago as we were doing some work together (you can read more about Anne here: “Limiting Self-Conscious Beliefs + Muscle Testing”). As she explained, “I don’t love the word manifestation and it’s totally overused, but I think of manifestation like this: It’s losing the conflict.” Losing the conflict. Wow. Let that settle for a minute.
Here’s Hendricks on the idea:
“Once I saw the pattern, it became obvious how it worked: I would enjoy a period of relationship harmony, then stop the flow of connection by criticizing or starting an argument. The Upper Limit Problem showed up even in my eating habits: I would eat healthy food and get plenty of exercise, feeling great for several days in a row. Then I’d go on a weekend binge of restaurant food, wine, and late nights that would leave me feeling dull and bloated. The pattern was simple: enjoy a period of feeling really good; then do something to mess it up. I also realized that the same pattern had a grip on the world at large. As humans, we would enjoy a period of peace, then plunge into a war; we’d create a time of economic expansion, then go into recession or depression. Everywhere I looked, I saw evidence of the pattern. Eventually I reined in the wild horses of my imagination and focused on the key step every researcher begins with: stating the problem to be solved and the questions to be answered.
“The problem: I have a limited tolerance for feeling good. When I hit my Upper Limit, I manufacture thoughts that make me feel bad. The problem is bigger than just my internal feelings, though: I seem to have a limited tolerance for my life going well in general. When I hit my Upper Limit, I do something that stops my positive forward trajectory. I get into a conflict with my ex-wife, get into a money bind, or do something else that brings me back down within the bounds of my limited tolerance.”
Ooph. Sounds about right. In a nutshell: Expansion bounded by contraction. In the absence of, or anticipation of, life placing limits on us, we can’t tolerate that possibility and do it first.
According to Hendricks, there are four primary factors—he calls them Hidden Barriers—that trigger the Upper Limit Problem.
Hidden Barrier #1: Feeling Fundamentally Flawed
“I cannot expand to my full creative genius because something is fundamentally wrong with me.”
In this article, Hendricks tells the story of a man who sabotaged the acquisition of his small business over a quarrel about vacation time. It was only after several years of rumination about what he had done and why he had killed this deal that would have greatly benefited him that he realized he had been really saying, Your offer is way too good for me. I am not worth that.
Hidden Barrier #2: Disloyalty and Abandonment
“I cannot expand to my full success because it would cause me to end up all alone, be disloyal to my roots, and leave behind people from my past.”
While Hendricks believes this is primarily familial—that it stems from breaking your family’s spoken or unspoken rules about success metrics and expectations—I would argue that for women, in particular, it’s cultural. According to developmental psychologists like Carol Gilligan, women and girls are conditioned to see the world through the lens of relationship and integration. This tendency for connection makes us less inclined to separate and individuate as it risks relationship loss. (See: “What Are We Actually, Really Saying,” “The Achilles Heel of Women,” “How to Keep Caring,” “Why is it So Hard to Scream?,” and “We Need Privacy.”)
Hidden Barrier #3: Believing That More Success Brings a Bigger Burden
“I can’t expand to my highest potential because I’d be an even bigger burden than I am now.”
I don’t totally track this one, but Hendricks attributes it to childhood, where many of us balanced feeling alternately like a burden and a celebration. I need to have him on my podcast so he can explain this one to me. I think I would relate to this concept differently, as I very much resonate with the idea that “more money = more problems,” or that success invariably breeds complexity—more burdens and more responsibility. I trigger my Upper Limit Problem by resisting hiring more help, even though I am overwhelmed, and more help would enable me to expand. (More on this next week when we get into Zone of Excellence and Zone of Genius.) I can imagine, too, that doing “more” would bring more attention and more people who want things from me, which also makes me want to contract.
Hidden Barrier #4: The Crime of Outshining
“I must not expand to my full success, because if I did I would outshine________ and make him or her look or feel bad.”
This aligns very closely with the PRIDE chapter in On Our Best Behavior, otherwise known as the Tall Poppy Syndrome. While women might be loathe to outshine our peers, there’s also the hint of danger that comes for women who are seen: We are frequently destroyed for daring to be big. We see this in every industry across history—we don’t go for men in the same way, or cut them back down to size. (Otherwise known as “Putting her back in her place,” or “Too big for her britches.”)
Here’s Hendricks: “This barrier is very common among gifted and talented children. They get a lot of their parents’ attention, but they also get a strong subliminal message: Don’t shine too much, or you’ll make others feel bad or look bad. One unconscious solution that gifted children devise is to turn down the volume on their genius so others don’t feel threatened by it. The other solution is to continue to shine brightly but turn down the volume on their enjoyment of it.”
Ooph.
We’re going to talk about the Zone of Genius in next week’s newsletter, but for now, Hendricks explains that the Zone of Genius beckons from the other side of the Upper Limit Problem—that if you can wake up to what you’re up to, you have the best chance of crossing the chasm.
While it might be obvious to you when you’ve tripped the Upper Limit Problem wire, Hendricks outlines the signs: The consuming energy of worry, which is big for me. Blame or criticism, particularly when it puts you smack in the middle of the Drama Triangle. Deflection, specifically of attention or praise. Getting into arguments and conflicts. And a doozy: We get sick.
This last finding reminds me of the late Dr. John Sarno, the NYU doctor who argued that most back pain has emotional roots. He called this TMS (tension myositis syndrome), and the simple theory is that when we get activated—particularly when childhood wounds are stroked where we felt scared, disempowered, frustrated, and enraged—our body creates pain as a distraction to keep us from dealing with our emotions. There’s a documentary about Dr. Sarno and his work called “All the Rage” (with cameos from Larry David and Howard Stern), and he wrote many, many books: Healing Back Pain, The Mindbody Prescription, The Divided Mind. The beauty of this method is that it’s…free and often the connection/revelation is enough to begin offering relief. It can be that instantaneous. You start with journaling in lieu of surgery and pain medications.
Back to the Upper Limit Problem for a minute, here’s Hendrick’s primary plea: “By expanding your ability to feel positive feelings, you expand your tolerance for things going well in your life.” That’s big.
See you next week in your Zone of Genius.
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My New York Times bestselling book—On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to be Good—is out now.
It cracks me up to see myself quoted in your lovely substack.. Thank you for sharing some of my understanding around this issue. Also, I wanted to add something to that list that I didn't see. I think one thing that stops some of us is the fear of saying "no". No is one of the great words of our language. It establishes boundaries and a recognition of self when it is done with consciousness and an awareness of what we need time to sort out before we jump headlong into a new adventure. Women, especially have trouble saying no. We have to have reasons we can justify, we feel guilty at denying others and we are chronically geared to self sacrifice rather than being of service from a full cup. No stops the drain of our reserves. But if we say no we might lose clients, friends, standing in the community, success, etc. So instead of saying no when we need or want to, our body does it for us or our unconscious does it for us. we are always being pushed to say Yes! to everything as if it were a spiritual practice or a way to be successful. What if saying No with the same equanimity we say Yes was our personal reality? We would be telling ourself that "I will always put myself first in my journey through life, loving my perceived limitations with the same vigor I love my successes." Now to me, that disolves the conflict. Just a thought.
I would also suggest that we have equated getting bigger, and more expanded, with success.
For me success is having inner peace which has no limit and is not quantifiable. The entire quest for ever expanding influence and growth reminds me how we have created disharmony on this planet by always seeking growth instead of balance. I will just be another little voice in your ear reminding you that balance in your heart, soul, body, and mind will always be more profitable than unlimited growth.