Save the Date: Similar to the I Ching workshop, I’m going to host a Tarot/Kabbalah workshop on Zoom with Mark Horn (podcast interview here, Q&A here) on April 14th at 10PT/1ET for paid subscribers. I’ll send more info in the weeks before, but if this appeals, mark your calendars.
“We all walk in shoes too small for us.” -Carl Jung
I was reading through my notes on James Hollis’s, A Life of Meaning last week when I re-encountered this Carl Jung quote. Maybe it’s because I’m in the process of refreshing my kids’ sneakers because they’re growing so fast, or maybe it’s because I realized at some point in the last six months that I’ve spent my whole life buying shoes that are probably a 1/2 size too small, but this Jung quote hit: “We all walk in shoes too small for us.”
Hollis offered that he thinks the metaphor speaks to the “adaptive, protective patterns and stories” that “limit our summons from destiny.” This might be so, but I think the instinct is much deeper, at least for women. I fondly reminisce now about so many nights when I hobbled toward my New York City apartment, unsure whether it might actually be better for my health to kick off my shoes and walk home barefoot. I know, disgusting. But here’s the thing about high heels: Based on their pitch, you invariably end up stuffed into the front of them, making them “too small” even if they’re officially right-sized. If you choose a looser fit, you run the risk of the heel’s back snapping up and down with every step: It’s hard to win. For too-small shoes to equivalently hurt men, you have to be moving fast if not running, hammering your toes into the front. Women in high heels? You can’t run. They’re incapacitating, though the stiletto is named after a type of dagger, so maybe the idea is that since you’re hobbled from escape, you need to be armed with an incapacitating weapon instead.
(As an aside, did you know that high heels were originally invented for tenth century Persian men to lend height, keep their feet away from filth, and help them stay in stirrups? Thanks guys!)
I’m probably being too literal here for Jung’s purposes, but confining our feet and constraining our gait is such a rich metaphor for women. It’s strange that we choose to do it to ourselves, almost as a way of visually telegraphing the way we’re both restrained by feminine social norms, and complicit in sustaining them. (And yes, sometimes I like to wear heels too, though I no longer ride the subway in them.)
For all genders, Hollis and Jung suggest that this preference for too-small shoes is tied-up with fear itself—that we’re scared to liberate ourselves and move forward more freely. After all, it’s kind of nice to have something to blame for our restriction. As Hollis points out in the paragraph below, our fear than becomes a “shadow government,” shaping the choices we make and how we live. He writes:
“It matters most that our life not be governed by fear. We can’t avoid fear. Life is difficult, dangerous, and lethal. But the question is: Does fear dominate our life? Does it make our choices for us? The fear management systems that we were obliged to organize have now become shadow governments for us. They run our lives, and it’s understandable that taking them on is daunting because we will feel less secure. Perhaps we will feel more agitated, more at risk, more vulnerable, but it’s only through living that risk that we can get a larger life. If we’re walking in shoes too small what does it mean to step into larger shoes?”
This bears repeating: “It’s only through living that risk that we can get a larger life.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about fear, not only in its ability to impede us from moving forward, but also when it spurs us into action, notably into a defensive, often hostile, sometimes violent, position. After all, it’s one of our most ancient animating emotions: In many ways, it rules us all.
This is why Hollis holds that Jung thinks contending with our fear is one of the most primary and important things we can do. He cites Jung’s 1912 work, Symbols of Transformation, where Jung describes how each of us has a strong desire to stay asleep, or steeped in our unconscious, that it takes a lot of effort to get us going. Hollis remarks that “Jung goes on to say, the spirit of evil—notice his strong language—is negation of the life force by fear. Only boldness, he said, can deliver us from fear. And if the risk is not taken, the meaning of life is violated. That’s pretty clear. In fact, I would go so far as to say, if you write those words down and put them on the bathroom mirror, look at them every day, reflect on them, and internalize them, it’ll change your life because you’ll start recognizing how many behaviors are fear based and what the alternative may be. What you get from that is a larger life. The spirit of evil is negation of the life force by fear. Only boldness can deliver us from fear. If the risk is not taken, the meaning of life is violated. Because then we have to ask ourselves, who or what are we serving when we serve fear and anxiety?”
That’s a big question, and as an anxious person, I want to know the answer: I have no idea what that voice is in me that tries to keep me small, that spikes up obsessive and looping ruminations, that suggests that the worst possible scenario is also the most likely to occur. It can get loud for me. In fact, it’s only entering year four of working for myself that I’m finally able to calm myself down about my ability to support my family…though I find myself already obsessing about year five! As Hollis remarks, the voice of fear says: “Life is too much. It’s too big. You can’t manage that. You’re not up to that. Hide out, hang out, stay away. It’s better that way.” This is the force that keeps us in too-small shoes. How many of you feel like you’re ready for a more expansive fit?
I keep circling back to the sentiment from Jung that “the spirit of evil is negation of the life force by fear” and what exactly he means by that. Do we take this literally, that evil is whatever impedes growth? Is evil entropy and inertia? Or does Jung mean that it’s our own type of personal hell not to live up to our potential?
I’ve been looking for good books to read about fear. If you have any suggestions, please drop them in the comments below!
Small housekeeping note: Many of you are getting hit with an auto-renew on your yearly paid subscriptions if you’ve been with me since the beginning. You’ll get a warning of auto-renewal a week in advance. If it renews and you didn’t want it to, you can downgrade your subscription to free in your settings—you’ll get a pro-rated refund (so the full amount if you don’t wait too long). If you do it through your credit card instead by marking the charge fraudulent, yes you’ll get a refund, but your credit card company will also fine me. Email me if you can’t figure out how to downgrade your subscription, I’m happy to help. Thank you!
Workshop News: I’m hosting a weekend workshop—“Choosing Wholeness Over Goodness”—at The Art of Living Center in Boone, North Carolina with Courtney Smith (our podcast episode here), from May 17-19. You can find all the details here. Please join us!
THE LATEST FROM THE PODCAST:
1/25: On our fat-phobic culture with Kate Manne
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1/18: On growing ourselves up with Aliza Pressman, PhD
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1/11: On being with each other’s pain with Rabbi Sharon Brous
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1/4: Embracing the Shadow with Connie Zweig, PhD
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12/26: What motivates change with Carrie Wilkens, PhD
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12/21: The power of trauma narrative with Akiva Goldsman
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12/17: Reducing harm and saving lives with Maia Szalavitz
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12/14: The malleability of the brain with David Eagleman
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12/10: Breaking the addiction binary with Carl Erik Fisher, M.D.
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12/7: The Gordian Knot of mental illness with Rachel Aviv
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12/3: Reimaging recovery with Holly Whitaker
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11/30: Grappling with Part X with Phil Stutz
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“I’d Rather Be Whole Than Good.”: Welcome to my Carl Jung Era
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My New York Times bestselling book—On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to be Good—is out now.
I’m in the midst of doing a training with Dr. Hillary McBride (The Wisdom of Our Body is her most famous work) and the Psychedelic Somatic Institute. At the crux of the work is the idea that it is through attuned relationship and attachment that we can allow our body to heal through those moments that created such deeply embedded fear/tightness in our primary consciousness -- too much to explain here but would recommend looking at Hillary’s work and PSI (https://www.psychedelicsomatic.org). I think it hits on exactly what Jung/Hollis and you are making sense of...not as a “fix” but as a way that we can actually live as our fullest selves vs governed by fear.
Loved this one and I'm exploring fear in my own life and way of being. I'm feeling it tied to shame and trying to unwind that knot. I'm still mulling it over but see and have felt it strongly holding me back. Two books I think touch on fear in interesting ways are: Opening to Darkness-Eight Gateways For Being With The Absence Of Light In Unsettling Times by Zen Earthlyn Manuel and Feeding Your Demons -Ancient Wisdom For Resolving Inner Conflict by Lama Tsultrim Allione.